Fraser Brown: I’m proud of what I’ve achieved and retirement is going to hit me hard

When I ruptured my anterior cruciate ligament playing for the World XV against the Barbarians last May, I was determined to come back from it. I underwent an operation which involved grafting part of my hamstring tendon to my knee to form a new ACL. The first four or five months of my recovery were hell. It seems so long ago now, but the pain was horrendous, some of the worst I’ve experienced, and meant I had to be on extremely strong prescription painkillers and sleeping pills for more than four months. I should have been back running by mid-November but I didn’t start until early March.

What I didn’t want to do was be forced into retirement last summer. So I’ve had 10-11 months trying to recover and giving it a good shot. It’s also given me the time to get my head around it and do different things, like coaching and media work.

It’s not been a particularly straightforward ACL recovery, even accounting for my age and the stage I’m at in my career. I found out in December that I’d need more surgery to clean my knee out and that gave me a little bit of hope because I thought that would fix things. And I did have two or three good weeks but I was still struggling with pain and stability, so the writing was on the wall and, to be honest, had been for a long time.

My contract with Glasgow Warriors expires at the end of this season and there had been conversations about playing on next season but I’d put them on the back burner because I wanted to concentrate on getting back fit. I then saw the surgeon again in February for a review and it was confirmed that playing on was just not going to be possible.

The medical advice was that trying to return was an unrealistic expectation. It’s not about just getting back on the pitch, it’s about being able to play and train consistently, day after day.

How is my knee now? It’s OK. Still sore but better than it was. It’s painful at the end of every day and certain movements are difficult, like squatting, but I’m back running and able to do bits and pieces.

I’ve had a bit of time to come to terms with retirement but it is a huge change in my life and I’m probably kidding myself if I think it’s not going to hit me hard at some point soon. It might be when I go to Scotstoun for the last time to do rehab, it could be the end of the season, or it could be July 1, the date when I’m no longer a contracted player. When the news came out on Tuesday afternoon, I took myself off for a quiet coffee, just for an hour or so, to let the realisation sink in.

It’s a strange old feeling - the first time in over a decade that I’m not going to be a rugby player.

Jen, my wife, is relieved, as are my brother Duncan and his family who have followed everything I have done on the pitch from their home in Taranaki. My mum and dad, Nicky and Pete, too. I don’t think they’ve missed a single game in 12 years.

I reckon I’ve spent close to the equivalent of five years injured across my career, and probably missed out on 100-odd Glasgow games and 50 or 60 Scotland matches.

I am proud of what I have achieved. I never thought I would get to this point, especially after being released by Edinburgh when I was 21. But it worked out for me at Glasgow and I’ve been helped by so many good people and played under some great coaches.

There’s always that bit of you that thinks ‘we should have won more’. We got to four finals with Glasgow but the only one we won was the 2015 Pro12 final against Munster in Belfast, which was great and a definite career highlight but it would have been nice to have won a couple more. Having said that, I’ve achieved more than a lot of people do.

I think I will be able to reflect on it better in a couple of years. Time lends perspective.

There were lots of great moments with Glasgow and I actually think my fondest memories are from the 2018-19 season when we reached the Pro14 final at Celtic Park. We lost to Leinster but in terms of the players, the coaches, the style of rugby we played and the appreciation we had for sheer physical hard work, I loved that season.

From a Scotland point of view, my second cap is one of the stand-out moments for me. My first cap came against Italy in a summer tournament in South Africa but the second was against New Zealand at Murrayfield in 2014 and it felt like I’d earned it a bit more, and my family were all there.

My 50th cap, when we beat France at home in the 2020 Six Nations, was special and I was also fortunate enough to enjoy a late burst of Scotland appearances when I’d thought my international career might be over.

I’d had a lot of injuries and hadn’t featured for Scotland for a couple of years when I was picked to play against New Zealand in autumn 2022. I wasn’t in the squad to begin with, then came in as 24th man and then 10 days later I found myself starting. It was made even more memorable by the fact I was able to have both my kids at Murrayfield. Teddy had been born just before Covid so hadn’t been able to come to any games and then Archie was born two years ago and I wasn’t really playing for Scotland at that point. So for them to both be there with my wife and parents, and have the boys on the pitch afterwards, was a very special moment.

We came close against New Zealand but we did thrash Argentina the following week which was another memorable game and I kept my place for the 2023 Six Nations. That began with a win over England at Twickenham which was a brilliant way to finish off what turned out to be the last stretch of my international career. I’d had some bad experiences against England so it was one to savour and we followed it up with a record win over Wales the following week which was another big achievement.

My future is uncertain but one thing that isn’t is that I want to coach. I’d love to remain involved in some capacity with Glasgow, whether that’s coaching skills or with the A team or whatever. I really enjoy coaching, particularly with the younger players and I’d love to do it at Glasgow because the environment is brilliant and some of the guys we’ve got coming through are excellent.

In the meantime, I’ll continue coaching Watsonians in the Super Series Sprint through to the end of the season and I’d like to continue with my media work, writing for The Scotsman and doing stuff for the BBC.

There is always a debt that can never be repaid to the people who provided me the platform to succeed. I owe a special thanks to my family. My rugby coaches until I went to Merchiston Castle School were my parents. My mum coached Biggar Rugby minis all the way through to primary 7. My rugby upbringing was heavily influenced by my mum, dad and brother.

Whatever people think about private schooling in Scotland, my time at Merchiston was the foundation for me to go and play rugby professionally. The coaching at that school was incredible, and not just for rugby. There were a lot of great people there.

I then went on to the professional environment and played under some brilliant coaches. Dan McFarland, who I worked under at Glasgow and Scotland, really stands out for the way he engaged me and helped progress my rugby from 2017 to around 2019. I think I made the biggest leap in my career during that time. He was a brilliant coach but I’ve also had the privilege of working with Vern Cotter, Gregor Townsend, John Dalziel, Matt Taylor, Steve Tandy, Peter de Villiers, Dave Rennie, Franco Smith and many more. Franco has had a big impact at Glasgow in the last couple of years and helped reinvigorate my love of the game.

I’ve played with brilliant players and made lifelong friendships with many, including David Edge who is now the Scotland team manager but who was there right at the beginning at Heriot’s.

My wife Jen, has been there since day one. We met when I had just started playing rugby again at Heriot’s and she has been there for everything. Every win, every success and inevitably every disappointment and injury. Her support and love has meant everything and there is no doubt that it has all only been possible because of her support.

Professional sport is brilliant but it’s even better when you get to do it with friends and people you love and I’ve been lucky enough to do that. That part of my life is coming to an end and I’ll miss it but I’m excited for the next chapter and ready to take on new challenges.