Janet Christie: My Week – Youngest Child showcases Scottish cuisine

“We’re doing a table at an event celebrating the food of all the countries everyone’s from and obviously we’re doing Scotland. Yay!”

Oh no. I know where this is heading…

“Salmon? Seafood? Venison, cheese…? We have the best…” I begin, hopeful.

“Yes, but difficult to source, although we have found a shop selling Scottish stuff?” she says.

“Really?”

“Yes, but is salmon really just Scottish?”

“Yes, well the best is,” I say. “I bet the nice salmon you get in France is Scottish.”

“Maybe. Anyway, the first thing we thought is Irn-Bru. Obviously. And those round chocolate things full of puffy white stuff?”

“Tunnocks Teacakes?”

“Yes! And maybe some wafers. A selection. And we’re making shortbread.”

I can see the table groaning under a saltire smorgasbord of fat, sugar and salt now.

“What other countries will there be?” I say, imagining the scene. International tables full of healthy delights, while the Scottish beige buffet sweats proud.

“India, Germany, Italy, Czech, Hungary, Russia, Iran, France obviously, Spain, China, lots of others… Mmmm, dumplings, pakora, salady things…”

“Yes, there will be some fantastic offerings,” I say and lob a supportive, “But I’m sure you’ll be popular too.”

“Oh yeah. Definitely.”

“And those things you get at the drive-through bakery,” she says, “if we can find some here. Delicious.”

“Bridies?”

“Yes!” And we thought pizza.”

“Won’t the Italians have that?”

“Yes, but not deep fried...”

“Oh god. I can see an international incident in the making.”

“Ha ha. Which reminds me,” she continues, excited. “Our BEST THING! The Deep Fried Mars Bar.”

“Aw no.”

“Yes!” she cackles, already on a sugar high just thinking about it. “And we’re making our own, because it’s nice to cook something properly from scratch isn’t it? And haggis looks tricky but we might get that at the Scottish shop. Stovies - how do you make them again?”

“Potatoes, sliced, meat if you like, onions, yeast extract, let it simmer away… no frying required.”

“Maybe.”

“Oh well,” I say. “If it all kicks off you can whip out your German passport and go and hide behind the rye bread and smoked meat and salads with them while everyone chants, “this is why you can’t be in Europe”.

“No chance. No-one ever turns down a sugary/fried/buttery snack. They are going to LOVE us!”

“Have you considered raspberries?” I shout, but it’s met with silence. She’s gone. No doubt to stock up on Mars Bars and Irn-Bru.

https://www.scotsman.com/news/opinion/columnists/janet-christie-my-week-from-the-kelpies-to-pit-ponies-its-time-to-honour-the-horses-4599877