Desirable: willingness to accept title of 'leader' when actually taking orders from real leader, several hundred miles to the south; ability to withstand e-mails from said proper leader at 5am demanding to know why country of birth no longer likes him. Terms and conditions: approximately 168 hours a week; no holidays, apart from Sunday 'brainstorming' sessions in North Queensferry. Applications to Scottish Labour, John Smith House, Glasgow. Applicants who can supply their own press officers will be treated favourably.

Amid the speculation about the real reasons behind Wendy Alexander's self-immolation last week – to 'bounce' Gordon Brown? To flush out Alex Salmond? To end the dreadful uncertainty that the confident, popular SNP Government were inflicting on the Scottish populace? – I wondered whether the answer wasn't simply that she wanted to find a sure way of getting out of the most miserable job in Scotland: leader of the Scottish Labour party at Holyrood. Last week, speaking to an influential figure in the previous Scottish Executive, I noted how those of us who had spent four years kicking lumps out of Jack McConnell were now being forced to reappraise our views somewhat in light of Alexander's calamitous efforts. "Now you know how tough it is," he replied.

I don't quite buy it. McConnell, after all, had the glue of power to keep his ship together. He didn't have to wake up every Thursday morning knowing Alex Salmond's whip awaited him. But, in power or out of it, this is one tough job. Now, with Alexander's jacket on an increasingly shooglie peg, the time is right to ask who's next in line to be Scottish Labour's Aunt Sally.

First of all, Labour must surely have a contest next time around. Last September Alexander was crowned after potential rivals concluded that a challenge to the Chosen One would spell certain death to their careers. Such is Scottish Labour. If a vacancy arises now, candidates should be encouraged to step forward to debate what the party is about. Nationalist? Socialist? (Not both, hopefully). Fewer and fewer people in Scotland, I suspect, have a clue. It is time for someone to fill the breach.

Next, the party should also use any leadership battle to resolve once and for all what the title actually means. The leader of Scottish Labour remains Gordon Brown. But Holyrood MSPs in open mutiny against him should make up their minds about whether they want that to continue, or whether the party should split federally. Dysfunctional Labour cannot continue as it is, stupidly claiming that there isn't a problem.

Then who might step forward to lead this new-look party? Finance spokesman Andy Kerr is probably favourite at present. Following Alexander's shredding at First Minister's Questions last Thursday, it was he who then carried the attack to Salmond, displaying an aptitude for opposition. Elsewhere, Iain Gray has the advantage of having seen life outside the Holyrood village. Having spent time working as the link man between Labour at Westminster and Edinburgh, he would also be well placed to halt the daft turf wars that so scar the party.

Margaret Curran carries the crucial likeability factor, something sadly missing in Alexander and among most on Scottish Labour's dour back benches.

The trouble for Labour is that none of the above comes close to matching Salmond. "He sucks oxygen from the room," says one Labour aide. Consequently, many are already talking of the 'parachute' option whereby a big hitter is airlifted in. A few opportunities could soon arise. Jack McConnell is waiting to leave at the earliest possible opportunity. Meanwhile, there are rumours that certain former ministers, notably Tom McCabe, are also hoping for a way out. So seats may soon come up. Could we see a Big Beast – John Reid, for example – roused for one last big scrap?

The only trouble with this theory is that there is nowhere Labour fancies fighting a by-election, with or without a popular, well-known figure. What's more, bringing in some fresh blood – even someone of Reid's calibre – would probably only stir yet another battle in Labour's endless turf war, as MSPs complained they were being passed over.

So, for the time being, a caretaker boss from among current MSPs might be the best bet. Not ideal, but even temporary solutions will do for Labour in its current mess.